Anger its so oppressive. Its everywhere I look, all around. Prevailing everything. I look around sometimes and wonder to myself, ďHow do you do it?Ē when I see people that are happy and positive. I really do wonder.
So hereís the thing, I have a lot, or rather a big long list of things I could go into detail on why Iím angry or reasons why. Its exhausting. Its historical, its spiritual, its everywhere on every level. Its left me exhausted trying to contain it. Which if you know me, I donít do the best job at doing that. Reacting, lashing out and plain old telling people off when I shouldnít. Iím tired of being angry. Its played out and done.
The real question is how to get rid of it. Like a sickness? Like putting on a new outfit or fighting daily to make it not exist. I really donít know. Everyday lately, Iím sad. Tears pour out sometimes and other times they just hang around my eyes. I feel like I could cry forever. Its like those times when I have no power and in anger I cry. Like that one time they tried to deport me to Brazil because the US border guards in Houston didnít believe me that I was a status First Nation with the right to be on the US side. Six hours later and whole lot of yelling that Iím a liar, they got confirmation. Its moments like those I get angry but feel disempowered to do something about it.
Other times its being all over the place. Being in communities everywhere across Turtle Island where the people are dying, the land is dying, the water is crying out. Its painful to watch constant morning and suffering of the living. People I care about deeply. I try and do my part to help out where I can. Hustle to build programs, campaigns, and find funding but it never is enough to stop the problem.
Maybe its facing, living in and being a part of a system that was set up to fail. Racism indoctrinated. Trying to figure out a way around it. To get rid of it. To build alternatives to that system. It never ends. Knowing it is an unfair system based on oppression and the ideals of others; builds the anger, creates it and maintains it.
Or maybe its the fact I try but canít be a good relative. I want so badly to be at home but here I am doing what I do. Trying to help out. Rushing home when I have to. But its never enough. The state of my family hurts and doesnít help deal with that ole anger anymore. Its hard to be understanding, to be diplomatic and help heal relationships when the system, the residual of foster care, addiction and plain ole hurt feeling as sickness are all around us. Its not that I donít have hope. I just know my history and know the impacts of being who we are is how we are together. It makes me angry the great injustice my family members have faced today and in the past. So angry. Cause I know its not our fault. Its the system, its society, its a whole list of things.
Iím not trying to complain. Iím just trying to articulate or understand why Iím so angry. Like I said there are so many reasons to be angry. Its practically endless. But hereís the thing I promised myself. I want to get better. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. Thats not to giant a goal.
Today though, Iím sad. Everything makes me sad. That sadness is anger repressed. Or how do you say, ďdepression is suppressed rage.Ē Which in my case is most probably true. Seems like every time I slow down and have a moment to rest I get depressed. Depression is not a happy place. Not a part of the plan but no less a part of who I am at the moment.
What is puzzling is how to deal with it. I go to ceremonies as much as I can. But it just isnít enough. On my last fast it was so clear I need to deal with my ďshit,Ē aka my personal self. I got the message loud and clear. But how?
I started to think seriously about therapy. I asked a few friends and they said its helped them in their lives to deal with very serious issues. But heres the catch. Iím not going to lie either. Iím scared to do it. Why? Well if you know me, you know we were abused kids. I donít have very significant memories of it. My mind blocked a huge chunk of my childhood to help me survive and cope. Thats what Iím ultimately afraid of. A big huge part of me doesnít want to remember. I figure if my mind closed those memories off maybe its really, really bad. I donít know and sometimes not knowing is scary. Thats the bottom line though, am going to open the flood gates to my past? Am I really ready to cope with this? I donít know. I know the last time I started to remember I was in Winnipeg and I lost my mind. I couldnít function, I couldnít eat. I was totally helpless. Thank god for my friends who came by and snapped me out of it. That was really hard to relive those memories, to re-feel them. It left me lying in bed for a month or two. I donít know if I have it to go through that again. So here I am.
I guess facing your fears is really an ojikijida way or teaching. Thats the big question. Fork in the road. Whatever metaphor you like. Iím not sure what to do but living like this has to change therefore so do I. Maybe its that time to face my own mind. My own memories. Is that the key?
So I guess Iíll cry around some more, letting go is a good thing. Cause hanging on to things is what makes you sick. Clearly Iím there even though I donít want to admit. My body is severely run down. Its time to rest. Clear my head in a few days. Maybe a few weeks. Then make a plan. I donít have any answers just questions. Challenges to face. Ready or not.