I have so much to be thankful for. Every day all day. Its humbling-from so many perspectives. This year had it challenges. Many things I didnít want to face. The fact I was ready to give up completely on this gift of life didnít make it easier. But sometimes something comes along that forces you look at yerself and beyond that.
Thats what happened but not before I let depression, discouragement and self pity get in the way. I know we all go through these times. When we want to give up. Seems like life is unfair, throwing us too much. Reality was it was healing. Healing that in the end was good. Beautiful and hard to deal with. But thats what it was.
In face of my need to be depressed and want to give up, I lost perspective. I forgot that my ancestors fought hard to keep what we now have. That my relatives had love for us in the future. They suffered so we could still continue to carry knowledge, have a connection and ďkeep it real!Ē I forgot that they had it worse than I could know but they continued on. Who was I to give up when they didnít.
I forgot that life is a precious gift. One that I should value. That life itself is beautiful. I once lived in love with life. I forgot what that felt like or that connection to that feeling of love. To forget how beautiful life is and what true love around you is like, is similar to turning your back on the sacrifices our people made. Or to purposely forget who you are. Which is ironic considering how I fought to remember, to find and reconnect to who I am. Being the adopted kid and all. So ironic.
I thought to myself, I have a ceremonial commitment. I will keep my commitment. I will do my giveaway. Then I will walk away for good. I seen no reason to keep going except to keep my word. I figured if I walked away it would be easier to give up on life. It was a dark place that depression.
Then a week out from our ceremonies I got a message from my mom. She told me she was sick. Cancer in three places. I love my mom. She gave me life. My withered connection to her kept me alive during some of the darkest times in my childhood. Wanting and needing to meet her. I love her so much. Its hard to put that into words. The news left me sad. The deepest sadness. I cried for three days. Asking God please let my mom live. Please give her life and have pity on me. Hear my prayers.
The ironic thing is that asking to give life to my mom, reminded me of the many things I forgot. That news forced me to face the fact that I had turned my back on my ancestors. In turn my family and my life.
So many things went through my mind through the course of the those days. Sadness, depression, anger. My mom has been through hell and back so many times. Sheís suffered so much in her life. Why this? Hasnít she been through enough?
I understand that sickness is caused by many things. In some cases sickness is the manifestation of hurt, anger, pain, abuse and the inability to deal with these hurt feelings. Those feelings fester over the years and become physical causing sickness. I look at my moms life and all that sheís been through, It made sense. The manifestation of sickness. In a weird way that made me angry knowing that had she just taken care of it things would be different.
The hard part was not being angry/depressed and get things figured out. Now that I knew what was going on I had to figure it out. What to do? What to do? As I cried, I prayed. Feeling all these feelings of shame for my earlier depression and for wanting to give up on life. It felt like I needed to ask creation for forgiveness. So I did over and over.
The ceremony finished and it was clear what had to be done. We needed to get ready to help my mom. We, meaning my family who up till this moment had been fighting or already called parting of ways. It meant sucking up our own issues to show up for my mom.
All in all things came together. She (my mom) agreed to come home and go through ceremony. My family showed up for her to pray. People close to my grandmother came and helped us. We prayed hard.
There was so much good. It was humbling daily all that good. Its not easy to let go but my relatives did it. Iím so proud for them by showing up for my mom. Showing her that her life is important and most of all that we love her. Being able to let go of their own hurt and be together for her. My grandmother gave us her blessing and most of all her strong prayers. Things werenít perfect but they were good and we were surrounded by beauty.
All in all my momís will to live came back. That was the moment. ďI want to live, I want to have a good life!Ē That was the moment that Iíll never forget as long as I live.
There where so many good things that happened all around us. I canít even begin to explain the beauty of it all. Life was all around us loving us. Which is a hard concept to explain never mind write down. Thats the best way I can put it. So many people put their prayers out there for my mom. We created good energy for her to heal. So many helped us in so many ways.
I am thankful.