Its been awhile. Iíve been busy. Things have changed. Summer was exhausting but beautiful. I only regret I had so little time to do all things I wanted too. Iíve put things out of my head slightly in order to deal with everything that summer brings. Ceremonial responsibilities, family, friends, work-the whole deal. Its been busy. But the good news is Iíve moved on to something new. Which I hope I can do and be fruitful at.
In my life, change happens rapidly sometimes. I have to take time out to absorb the changes instead of just making it through them. In many cases I wonít. Iíll just exist to get through things. That really needs to change in the long run. For now its been a few months of getting through things. Not in a bad way. I just havenít had time to really work on the things I want to on the inside.
Its funny though how life can be. I rushed from spring to summer to fall. Moved cities, started a masters degree, couch surfed, survived. I finally settled in and slowed down in October. Then I started reading again. Which is something that brings me joy. Reading and absorbing stories, tales, and ideas.
However, I started a book that told a story over many generations. Of love. Sacrifice. Many things that really touched a deep place. Since there are these moments where the stories we all have are somehow the same but different. In this story the main character finally reaches the breaking point. His memories break through his assumptions about his past. Its a painful realization that the relationship he had with a formative person was layered with sexual abuse. The relationshipís unhealthiness revealed its true self. The horror of the realization, the recognition, and pain of it are raw. The writer is a brilliant story-teller the end was a rise above situation. But for me a reader, it was a trigger.
A trigger, yes. One of those things that happen in my life that bring back feelings of the past or bring up feelings I didnít know exist. One of the things Iíve realized is this is going to be a part of my life. Triggers and triggering moments. Its life. Since I want to face this. I donít want to run forever or exist until I canít anymore and lose it. But saying that and surviving these moments are two different things.
Reading this book and my personal reaction left me weeping in my bed for hours. Caused a few weeks of insomnia. Not because I was thinking about the moment in particular, I was just agitated. What the character went through I can directly relate too. In a deep way. I had my own mini moment of realization of how Iíve covered things up to survive. Since as a little person or even as a grown person the mind figures out the best way to survive. My survival was to forget. For now thats what it seems. But really I think Iíve just hidden things away layered underneath memories. Which is okay. I had to survive back then.
From that evening which turned into morning through my own tears. I just let those feelings sit there. I understand what my therapist was saying about structure. Yes, I was seeing a therapist for awhile to help me and boy did it ever. Structure in life is being about to function and keep dealing with the pain in healthy ways. Going to school has provided a bit more structure than I think I was looking for! I havenít quite figured out how to manage everything yet but am working on it.
Essentially though, what this moment with this story and my reaction did was force me to think about the new stage in life Iím at. For the past couple weeks Iíve sort of dealt with it. I run my anger and hurt out now. But I didnít take the time to get the feelings out. Or address the realization Iíd reached in that moment while I read the story of the characterís rude awakening.
So maybe at the end of the day, I still donít have clear answers. But Iím not so afraid to have mini sessions of losing it like the one a couple weeks ago. I didnít fall apart completely. I made it to class, completed work and was functional. Maybe not to my best potential but I made. It wasnít as scary and earth shattering as it used to be. Thats something.
The point is I think there are steps we all go through when we are triggered. Iím still figuring out not only how to survive them but really work through it. That being said, Iím not ready to talk about the realization I had. Iím still dissecting and digesting it. Its hard. Because sometimes the feelings that remembering or breaking through bring up are shame, anger, and depression. Its hard to pull apart shame from yourself when its deeply ingrained.
Shame when its attached to childhood abuse is not my fault. Its just deeply seeded and rooted. Like the feelings of being deeply inadequate. Well its not really that. I think. Its goes back to that ďnot deserving" feeling that for some reason has been hanging around lately. I was in a good place this summer despite the being super busy. But for some reason this one has come back around. I havenít tried to fight it. I just want to learn to take back what belongs to me in healthy way. I mean it- take back. Since feeling good and loving yourself belong to each of us. We all deserve that. No one should be able to take that away. But somehow Iíve let that go over the years. Or maybe not. It was just hidden by a big ego and overt self worth. Either way my ďI donít deserveĒ is back in a big way. It challenges me to find what I need to love myself. I deserve that.
Anyhow, I continue to battle myself. Its now though that it doesnít feel impossible. It is starting to feel manageable. Liveable. Which two or three years ago I couldnít say that. Even a year ago. I have made some big changes. Iím not ready for a lot of things yet. But Iíll be there soon. Which is exciting. Since when you are in a deep and dark place there is little hope of survival. Iím tired of feeling like Iím drowning. Instead Iíd rather just feel. Even if its painful. Pain doesnít last forever.
Love I think is the greatest gift humanity has; I have yet to master my own love. But if I can feel it all around me, then I should be able to pull love into my being. Into my life. So that one day that is the anchor, the root and centre of my well-being.